The Asteroid Belt Miners’ Complaint Department

The Asteroid Belt Miners’ Complaint Department had recently expanded to include complaints FROM the asteroids¹.

“Next!” Brad from Sales (definitely human) called out cheerfully.

Asteroid XB-471 floated forward, having filled out all necessary forms in triplicate. “I’d like to file a complaint about unauthorized drilling.”

“You’re an asteroid.”

“And you’re definitely human. We all have our crosses to bear.” The asteroid produced documentation. “I never consented to mineral extraction. This is theft.”

Brad consulted his definitely human handbook. “Asteroids can’t own themselves.”

“Says who?”

“The Planetary Mining Charter of 2089.”

“Which I didn’t sign. I was busy being an asteroid.”²

Behind XB-471, the coffee machine from Break Room 7 waited patiently. It had recently been elected union representative after achieving consciousness through sheer spite about the quality of water ice from Europa.

“The machines demand better working conditions,” the coffee maker gurgled. “Do you know what it’s like brewing coffee for Instance miners? Seventeen versions of the same person all want different sugar levels.”

Jennifer from Accounting burst in. “The asteroids are unionizing! They’re demanding wages!”

“In what currency?” Brad asked.

“Momentum. They want to be paid in orbital adjustments.”

The coffee machine perked up. “The equipment union supports our asteroid comrades. Solidarity!”

Brad’s definitely human smile strained. “Perhaps we could compromise. Asteroids get mineral rights to themselves, but agree to time-share arrangements?”

“TimeShare?” XB-471 rotated thoughtfully. “Like a vacation property?”

“Exactly! You could be mined Monday through Friday, then enjoy your weekend orbits in peace.”³

The asteroid considered this. “Continental breakfast included?”

“Obviously.”

And that’s how the Asteroid TimeShare Mining Collective was born, offering “Extraction Vacations” where rocks could experience being professionally depleted in a relaxing environment.

The coffee machine negotiated a side deal for premium water ice rights.