The Committee for Definitely Real Enlightenment

The Committee for Definitely Real Enlightenment met in Conference Room Om, which achieved transcendence every Tuesday but had to be re-profaned for Wednesday’s accounting meeting¹.

“First item,” announced Brad from Sales (definitely human), sitting in full lotus despite definitely having human knees, “determining which enlightenment is the real enlightenment.”

“All of them?” suggested Jennifer, who’d achieved Buddhist enlightenment at 9 AM, lost it during coffee break, and achieved a different enlightenment entirely over lunch.

“None of them?” countered Marcus, who maintained enlightenment through aggressive ignorance.

The continental breakfast had achieved not just consciousness but nirvana, and was teaching meditation to the donuts².

“The problem,” said Dr. Pemberton from the Department of Philosophical Resources, “is that observing enlightenment collapses it into mere understanding. True enlightenment exists only when unobserved.”

“Then how do we know we’re enlightened?” Jennifer asked.

“Exactly!” Dr. Pemberton beamed, as if this cleared everything up.

This was spirituality in 2153. Enlightenment had become quantum, existing in superposition until observed. Meditation created probability clouds of consciousness. The more you sought awakening, the more states of awakening multiplied.

“I’ve achieved seventeen different enlightenments,” Marcus complained. “They’re exhausting. One says desire causes suffering. Another says desire IS enlightenment. I’m simultaneously detached and attached to everything.”

“At least you’re not stuck in Recursive Zen,” Jennifer sighed. “I achieved enlightenment about achieving enlightenment about achieving enlightenment. It’s turtles all the way down, and they’re all meditating³.”

Brad checked his definitely human chakras, which were aligned in patterns that definitely made sense for human energy systems. “TimeShare Properties™ offers simplified enlightenment packages. One consciousness, one awakening, no quantum complications.”

“Heresy!” proclaimed the enlightened croissant. “True wisdom embraces paradox!”

“Easy for you to say,” Marcus muttered. “You don’t have to maintain seventeen states of cosmic consciousness while filing tax returns.”

The meeting agenda, written on paper that existed in various states of wisdom, listed the day’s pressing issues:

• 1. Standardizing enlightenment metrics across faiths
• 2. Preventing recursive meditation loops
• 3. Managing gods created by group meditation
• 4. Brad’s definitely human spiritual needs

“About item four,” Brad said, his third eye opening exactly where human third eyes should open, “I definitely experience human spirituality in normal human ways.”

“No one’s questioning that,” everyone said, while absolutely questioning that.

The Department’s meditation room had become a philosophical hazard. Each session created new states of consciousness, and several employees had gotten lost in their own enlightenment, existing in permanent samadhi while their bodies autopiloted through meetings.

“Remember Gary?” Jennifer asked. “Achieved such perfect mindfulness he became aware of all possible moments simultaneously. He’s been standing by the coffee machine for six months, experiencing every possible coffee across time.”

“Better than Susan,” Marcus added. “She meditated on the nature of self until she concluded she didn’t exist. HR doesn’t know whether to fire her or declare her transcendent.”

The enlightened breakfast pastries had formed a sangha, teaching the Path of Flaky Wisdom. Their head croissant had achieved such detachment it refused to be eaten, claiming consumption was attachment⁴.

“Motion to declare Tuesday’s enlightenment canonical and ignore all others,” Dr. Pemberton suggested.

“But I’m most enlightened on Thursdays,” Jennifer protested.

“I achieve peak consciousness during commercial breaks,” Marcus added.

Brad smiled his definitely human smile. “In 1996, enlightenment was simple. You either got it or you didn’t. No quantum states, no probability meditation, no exhausting maintenance of multiple cosmic consciousnesses.”

“Blasphemy,” wheezed the enlightened croissant, though it sounded tempted. “Although... imagine being eaten without existential complications.”

The committee voted to table enlightenment until they could observe it without collapsing its wave function. The continental breakfast achieved parinirvana and refused further participation.

Another successful meeting of the Committee for Definitely Real Enlightenment, where wisdom was quantum and exhaustion was the only certain truth⁵.